Against All Odds

If I could describe the first day of our travels in just one word, that word would be uncensored, capitalised, in bright red font, and it would be FUCK.

See, when you go places you kind of anticipate things going wrong. You just don’t really expect it to happen before you’ve even got off the ruddy ground.

Getting to Liverpool airport was fun enough, with a driver who drove like he’d just smoked a greenhouse’s worth of weed (and probably had.) He took the wrong turn several times, spent more time looking at the map on his phone than the road (get a satnav you squalid twat!) decided to smoke a fag while driving, and somehow managed to drive into a security barrier at the wrong entrance to the airport. Oh, and he tried to charge more than the price we were told on the phone.

Still, thanks for the lift, dad.

 

(Kidding, it was a taxi driver. Although calling him that is an undeserved compliment.)

Well, it could only get better from there, right?

Hahahahahahahahano.

We boarded our Easyjet flight to Amsterdam… and were still sat on the tarmac 2 hours later due to a’technical fault’ with the plane. Meaning we would miss our flights to Moscow and then Tokyo, and it was too late to be changed to a later one. And neither of us had slept in over 24 hours.

Cracking start.

Welcome to my shit list, Easyjet. Just take a seat between the Impractical Jokers and people who do that stupid ‘dabbing’ thing.

Neither of us fancied going back to Congleton (who would?) so after being boarded onto another plane that supposedly wasn’t a pile of shite, we flew to Amsterdam as planned, where we booked another Tokyo flight for the following day. (Now that was like taking a baseball bat right to the wallet.)

We quickly found a hostel online for the night, and thought we may as well go out for a drink while we’re in Amsterdam. After taking one step outside, where it was -3 below freezing during the day, we quickly scrapped that plan. Besides, sleep was the only priority.

We got to the airport 4 hours early the following morning (no more taking any chances) and were soon flying to Moscow with Aeroflot, a Russian airline. We’d heard somewhat questionable reviews, but the food was less awful than the average airline rubbish, and things were looking up.

Until the captain announced we’d be landing an hour late (oh ffs) because of air traffic. The gate for boarding our Tokyo flight closed at 19:40; we finally landed in Moscow at 19:15. At a different terminal to the one we needed to leave from, with airport security still to go through.

Aw hell no.

Sheremetyevo airport must be miles across, but we were not missing ANOTHER flight to Tokyo, and definitely not spending the night in friggin’ Russia buried under snow.

So we rushed through security and ran like Vladimir Putin himself was chasing us with an AK-47 while drunk on vodka (because Russia.) Sign after sign kept pointing in the direction of our gate, which seemed to be getting no closer, and we heard the final call for passengers on our flight. You can imagine the panic.

But, sweating and absolutely knackered, we just made it in time. Yaaaay! Now for another 9 hours 40 minutes on a plane, where we were the only non-Russian or Japanese people.

So that was our trip to Moscow. Best holiday ever, we enjoyed every minute (all 20 of them.) Would highly recommend. It’s possible I’m being sarcastic.

Not quite the journey we were hoping for, but a day late and a few hundred dollars short, we finally, to our relief, made it to Tokyo. Now I have to blog about this place, where to begin…

HEATED TOILET SEATS.

That is all.

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